So many of the brides and grooms that I work with today ask for help in personalizing their wedding ceremony. In past generations, the vast majority of weddings were religious events dictated by the tenants of or composed by the representatives of the church. The second largest grouping would have been a civil ceremony designed to meet the legal requirements of the state. In both circumstances, the typical couple would have seen the officiant as 'The Authority' and would have followed his/her direction, in a way that spoke more of being a passive participant than of being the active and central elements. Most couples showed up for their ceremonies with little to no knowledge of what would be said. The ceremony was the domain of the officiant, and their participation would be prompted every step of the way.

Not so today's brides and grooms! In every way, those couples who seek me out represent a group of individuals with every intention of being active participants. They choose their own words, expressing deep sentiments before friends and family and state their heartfelt intentions to commit to each other legally and spiritually. The ceremony is the public voice put to the very deep feelings and commitment they have already recognized exists between them, the expression of their love shared with those who mean most to them.

The significance of ceremony surrounding all of the important events in life, the traditions that families foster, has a very real effect on the transitions we make in life. The marriage ceremony is one of the most important, and states that the love between two individuals is ready to take the next step, to reach a higher level of commitment and purpose, and in adding the personally chosen content of the ceremony, a bride and groom are insuring that the ceremony expresses their sentiments, values, and preferences.

As you are reading this, I assume that you and your fiancé' have jointly come to the same decision, that you seek to make this ceremony event your own expression. This document is meant to aid you in that process. Although we will begin with traditional structure, it is not meant to confine you or dictate the process. Many couples wish to utilize a framework to begin, but I advise them to always keep in mind that the most important goal they should keep in sight is that the final draft should represent the tone, the intent, and the sentiment that resonates within their hearts.

Traditional Elements of the Non-denominational Ceremony
Procession
Welcome
Consent
Address
Vows
Ring Ceremony
Pronouncement
Blessing
Recession

Procession- Usually, the entrance to the event by the bride and groom, attendants, and key family members is choreographed to some extent. There are standard protocols that will help you to decide the commonly accepted order of that procession. Although they are not rigid rules any longer, the tried and true sequence has continued to be utilized because it places each honored participant in a respected moment of entrance. Whether the parents, chosen attendants or the key figures of the day, the bride and groom, the focus is placed on those closest to you for a brief span of moments that honors the relationship in a special way. Often there is an added element of music to the processional.

Welcome- An opening statement by the ceremony officiant begins the process. Guests are welcomed as active participants who are there to witness the event, and to provide support in the months ahead. This is also an opportunity to acknowledge the special guests that you would like to have singled out, such as your parents, attendants, or even those who you wish to remember even though they are not physically present. Some couples choose to help draft this portion of the ceremony, while others leave this up to the officiant.

Consent- For those brides choosing to have a parent walk them down the aisle, the 'Giving of Consent' is a traditional element that may be included at this point. The 'hand-off' if you will of the bride's hand in marriage (the physical transfer of the arm of the bride being moved from the parent to the groom for all to see) is often accompanied by a request as to "Who gives this bride away?"

Officiants Address- The officiant sets the stage for the commitments about to be made. This can include statements about the meaning/importance of the vows about to be shared, the beliefs of the bride and groom, poetry, readings, explanation of marriage traditions that will be included. The purpose it serves is to transition into the vows by drawing the guests and participants to the appropriate state of sentiment. I state this in this way, because you must decide whether you want the content to express solemnity, reverence, magic, or for some even relaxed humor. It's true; some ask that the ceremony be more casual in its tone as they are concerned that the weight and depth of feelings that day could be overwhelming.

Marriage Vows- Your vows and the ring exchange to follow are the most important elements used to personalize your public commitment to one and other. It is the opportunity to 'choose your words' and to share your most heartfelt sentiments with those you love and care for. In both areas, your officiant can prompt you to repeat the words you have agreed on, or you can memorize your statements and make them to each other. I would caution you that memorizing and making your statements without prompts may be more than you can handle on the day of your ceremony, as you will be so full of emotion on that day. If you choose that path, at least be prepared to have your officiant switch to prompt mode if needed. Your guests will not know that you have changed tracks, but you may feel more relaxed knowing you have a plan B.

Ring Exchange- This traditional element of marriage ceremonies is the exchange of a symbolic and public statement that says to all "I am committed to another!" The ring is a symbol of the continuity of your love and the never ending commitment to the person you have chosen. Often, the exchange is accompanied by meaningful statements of ones intent such as "With this ring, I thee wed" or "I give this ring as a symbol of my love!"

Pronouncement- Having witnessed the personal exchange of intents and expressions of love by you and your fiancé', the officiant will now make the pronouncement that you are officially husband and wife. Permission for you to exchange a kiss to seal the deal is also typically included here.

Blessing- These are the closing remarks made by the officiant. They can be as simple as making an announcement about a celebration to follow, or they may include readings, poetry, blessings for future love and prosperity, or statements around the importance of building a strong marriage. Either way, this is the closure to the ceremony that will let all know that you are now ready to begin your shared life together.

Recession- Like the procession, this is usually a choreographed process to exit the ceremony. It is often the exact reverse of the entrance, with one exception. As husband and wife, you now walk together…hand in hand as one.

Special Ceremonies
In addition to the structure above, many couples will include special ceremonies, readings, music, and or moments of prayer. Some popular considerations are:

Unity Candle- The lighting of two separate candles prior to the vows and then the joining of the two into a single flame following the ring exchange is symbolic of the two becoming one. Some couples create their own version of the two becoming one by joining other materials like sand into a clear glass container, or the pouring of a liquid from individual containers to a combined container.

Medallion Ceremony- When children are part of the new family being joined that day, inclusion of the children in the ceremony is often very important to the bride and groom. The symbolic exchange of medallion, ring, bracelet, amulet, medal etc occurs when the children are invited to the front of the ceremony to join their parents. Vows to the children or the sharing of intentions to create a strong family bond amongst the 'circle' of individuals can be created as part of the overall ceremony.

Rose ceremony- Taking time in the ceremony to acknowledge the parent/child relationship or another close bond can be accomplished by the officiant introducing and speaking to the importance of a special relationship between the bride/groom and others in attendance. The symbolic awarding of a gift or flower exchanged as you share your sentiment provides for a lasting remembrance.

Sign of Peace- Asking your guests to share the sign of peace or a warm greeting with those nearby can join them in the ceremony and provide you and your fiancé an opportunity during the ceremony to individually greet those participating in the event.

Memorials- Some couples choose to acknowledge the remembrance of someone important in their lives that is unable to share in the ceremony.

Readings/Music- There may be meaningful words (poetry, prayers, and religious readings) or music (because of its sound or words) that you wish to include. You may want to do the readings yourself, invite someone close to you to read them, or ask your officiant to read them. An important song can require a pause in the ceremony so that all can 'hear' and receive the message of the music. The inclusion of music in your ceremony also goes a long way in setting the tone and sentiment you feel important.

Now that you know the more traditional elements of the marriage ceremony, you can begin to select what works for you, toss out those parts that do not appeal to you, and begin to draft your individual statements. One method of doing that is to utilize the process of 'cut and paste' for your first draft by seeking out available samples. Then move on to putting your own intentions into the specific words that will express your deep feelings about this wonderful step into your shared life. Or after you have determined the elements you wish to include in your ceremony, seek the help and support of your wedding officiant to wordsmith your feelings. Either way, the final test is whether you arrive at a final draft that says "yes, absolutely yes!" to your heart. It's your ceremony, make it your own.

Namaste